Grief in Recovery: Why Letting Go Hurts and How to Heal
“Embrace your grief. For there, your soul will grow.” – Carl Jung
If you’ve ever stepped into recovery from alcohol, drugs, or gambling, you already know that it isn’t just about stopping the behaviour. It’s also about saying goodbye — to habits, relationships, coping mechanisms, and sometimes entire versions of yourself. That’s loss. And where there’s loss, there’s grief.
Grief in recovery is often overlooked. We talk a lot about cravings, triggers, relapse prevention — but less about the deep ache that comes when you leave behind the familiar, even if that familiar was harming you.
Understanding this grief isn’t about labelling it as a disorder or something “wrong” with you. It’s about recognising that it’s natural, and that working through it is a crucial part of building a lasting recovery.
Too often, grief in recovery is ignored. People expect you to be grateful — and yes, recovery is a gift. But it’s also a deep emotional shift that can feel raw, lonely, and confusing.
If we normalise this grief, we remove shame and make space for healing.
What Grief Looks Like in Recovery
Most people know about the “5 Stages of Grief” — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the 60s. They were designed for people facing their own terminal illness, not for people grieving the loss of someone else, and certainly not for the losses that come with addiction recovery.
While the original stages capture some common emotions, they don’t fully describe what happens in recovery. The process isn’t just about feelings — it’s about shifting identities, coping with uncertainty, and building a new life from the ground up.
From the 5 Stages to the Recovery Stages
The “5 Stages of Grief” — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — were never meant for addiction recovery. They were created to describe how people come to terms with their own terminal illness. While some emotions overlap, the lived reality of grief in recovery is different.
Through lived experience and years of support work, we’ve found a more accurate set of stages for the recovery journey. They’re not a checklist, and you won’t follow them in perfect order, but they offer a map when the road feels foggy.
The Stages of Grief in Recovery
These stages aren’t a checklist. They don’t come in perfect order. You might skip one, or loop back around. But they offer a frame of reference — a map when you feel lost.
1. Shock & Disbelief
Even when you’ve planned to get sober or stop gambling, there can still be a moment of “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this.”
You might feel numb, or like life has suddenly gone flat. In early recovery, your mind is adjusting to life without the familiar rush or escape. The reality that “this is real” takes time to land.
2. Early Grief
This is when the loss hits hard. You might miss the old life, even though it caused harm. You may grieve people you used to spend time with, the rituals of use, or the way substances helped you block pain.
Conflicting emotions are common: relief that you’re out of the chaos, guilt for the harm caused, loneliness as old friendships fade. This stage can be raw — it’s when cravings can feel like grief itself.
3. Realisation
You start to accept that you can’t go back to “just one drink” or “just one bet.” There’s a dawning awareness: this is a long-term change. The loss of the old identity becomes clearer — and sometimes heavier — before it lightens.
4. Search for Meaning
This is where many people turn a corner in recovery. You start to ask: “What now?” You might explore spirituality, rebuild relationships, take on new hobbies, or find purpose in helping others.
For some, this search is energising. For others, it’s frustrating — especially if answers don’t come quickly. It’s okay to be in that uncertainty.
5. Diminishing Pain
The grief softens. Memories of the old life still come, but they don’t cut as deep. Triggers are less frequent. You have more energy for building the life you want.
6. Acceptance
You can look back without longing to go back. You’ve found ways to integrate your past without letting it control you. Acceptance doesn’t mean you forget — it means you’ve stopped fighting reality.
7. Return to Peace & Happiness
You’re living more in the present. The space that addiction once filled is now home to connection, purpose, and joy. You may still have bad days, but your baseline is calmer, and you trust yourself to handle what comes.
8. Reawakening (for some)
A smaller group experiences something deeper — a shift in perspective that changes how they see life and death, pain and joy. This might come through spirituality, deep therapy, or a profound life event. It’s not necessary for recovery, but it can be life-changing.
Why This Matters
If we see grief in recovery as normal, not as weakness, then we take away some of the shame that keeps people silent. We stop expecting people to “just be grateful” and instead make space for them to mourn what they’ve left behind.
By recognising and talking about these stages, we can:
Normalise the hard emotions of recovery
Support people through setbacks without judgment
Encourage healthier coping instead of replacing one escape with another
Recovery is not just about removing a harmful habit — it’s about healing from the grief of losing it. When we give that process the time, compassion, and understanding it deserves, we create space for genuine freedom.
If you’re grieving in recovery right now — it’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s a sign you’re healing.